His Grace is Sufficient!!!!

This semester and year of my life has been so hard but so sweet. I am learning to stand on God's GRACE. I have been a believer for 3 and a half years and I lived my Christian walk trying to earn God's favor rather than trusting in the fact that I am declared holy and blameless in his eyesight because of the blood of Jesus Christ.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.
Ephesians 1:4-5

It is hard for me to fathom that I am dearly loved and completely accepted by God because of his mighty love and overwhelming grace. The more I see my horrific and habitual sins the more I see my need for his grace. I am learning from my counseling classes that we as believers have two belief systems: God's truth about us and the lies from our past and the world. I know the bible says that I am worthy because of Christ's sacrifice, yet because of being abused and abandoned by loved ones growing up, I operate and believe that I am worthless and have nothing to offer. It's hurts that I easily believe lies rather than the truth of my Lord and Savior.

The Lord has me right where he wants me because I have never depended on him like I am now. He is showing me the idols that flood my heart and my failure to love him and my neighbor as myself. I have allowed fear of rejection, abandonment, hurt,and failure to consume me and I am exhausted. I am tired of allowing the devil and the lies of my past to still my joy and freedom in Christ. As Lecrae says in his song "Check In", I am ready for Rehab! I am ready for the Lord to break, prune, shape, and mold my entire mind frame and heart. He has already begun his work and when I see him in glory his work will be finished (Philippians 1:6). It is only by his grace that I am at this point in my life where I am down and only He can pick me up. I will boast ALL THE MORE in weaknesses, in difficulties, and in hardships so that Christ's power may rest on me (1 Corinthians 12:8-10). My current pain is only avenue for God to make me more like him. Joy always comes in the morning even when the weeping may last all night. His GRACE is truly sufficient!

Poetry from me to you......

Hope by Chaquana Muhammad Townsend

I've lost hope; hope has escaped my soul
I DON'T know where to go or where to turn
Maybe I must accept my deficiency
Because this deficiency has got a hold on me
And I seriously need some peace
My chest aches and my body hurts
My body yearns for rest
I am such a jerk, living as if I am in control
When the reality is I never will be
A part of me operates as if I am
Man, this operation and controlling has got me exhausted
Deserted, lost, broken, shattered, grasping for air
I am in such despair
Come rescue me, come rescue me from me so that I could see you
Please, save me from myself
My death has been bothersome and I am ready to live
Breath life into this specimen
Breathe life into me all over again
Jesus, I am dying to be free
Free to love you and me and everybody
Don't you see the hurt, pain, and frustration
See, I need you to save the day
Hero, you are my hero but at times you seem to be taking so long
I'm losing hope; the battle is too much to bear; I'm scared
Breath into my nostrils, bring life again to my dead heart
Give me a brand new start
A new life, new joy, give me you not me
Because me has got me EMPTY, VOID,and DISTRAUGHT
Give me all of you for that is enough for me
YOU are my only HOPE!

Freedom in Christ

Galatians 5:1
Christ has liberated us into freedom. Therefore stand firm and don't submit again to a yoke of slavery.

John 8:36
Therefore if the Son sets you free, you really will be free.

Psalm 121:1-2
I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

FREEDOM!
What does it mean to be free?

The Lord has been so gracious and loving towards me through the trials he has given me in this season of my life. I see how loving he truly is because of his desire to free me to love him without restraints and to love my neighbor as myself. I have been controlling how close I let people get to me and it has made me miserable. I realize how I fail to love others in order to protect myself from hurt and pain. I show people a side of myself that I want them to see, yet parts of myself I keep hidden. The root of it is: I yearn to be loved, accepted, and approved of no matter how sinful I really am. The funny thing about that is: My Lord loves me just as I am; however, my heart is fighting to embrace what my mind already knows. Everyday I wake up, I literally have to ask the Lord to help me make it through another day. The pain, frustration, and emotional turmoil I carry inside of me is simply to much to bear, and I need him to carry it for me. Continue to lift me up Saints as I run to the throne of grace. My heart is crying and yearning to be free.

Dearly Loved by My King

For the first time in my life, I am fully embracing the love and grace of God. The very thought of being an object of God's affection brings me to my knees in worship. It is true; he really loves me despite my sinfulness. Recently, God has been showing my lack of dependence on his grace and my desire to justify my sin through works. When I work for God's favor and love, I only nullify the grace of God. Jesus Christ died for my sins so that I may be free to sin and alive to him. When I act as if I am good enough or my so called righteous deeds earn favor with God, I am depending on my own strength rather than on his holy spirit. I am coming to grips with how sinful I truly am and how much more I need to depend on my Savior. He longs for me to be intimate with him and embrace his love, and my heart yearns for it as well.

I am reminded that I was made with a void that only he can fill, and my heart and body thirsts for him as the deer pants for water:

Psalm 42

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My heart and soul thirsts for the living God because he created me to be intimate and relational with him. Dependence on Jesus is what he requires and what we so desperately need to survive in a fallen world. I need him more and more each day because without him I am nothing and can do nothing. Remaining in him is mandatory in order to bear fruit and live righteously(John 15).

Since I have been at Philadelphia Biblical University, my heart has been aching and craving to be with Jesus. While at home in New York, I prayed and read my word out of duty and obligation rather than to simply sit in the presence of God. As a result, my time with the Lord lacked intimacy and I could feel my heart slowly drifting away from him. Intimacy, intimacy is so key! I was hit with the reality that a close, personal relationship with God is necessary in order to grow spiritually and to know him on a deeper level. Instead of reading and studying to acquire biblical knowledge, I find myself begging the holy spirit to help my heart believe, grasp, and apply his word. When I wake up in the morning, my Savior is on my mind and throughout the day I am calling out to him. I am slowly but surely becoming more intimate with my King and it feels so good. No longer can I use head knowledge and works to get close to my king;instead, I must rely and depend on him to reveal and show me who he is and what he requires of me. As an object of his affection, he wants all of me and I am going to give him just that. Oh how he loves me!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is at work!!!!!

Man, desperation is the word that describes my condition right now! I am so thirsty for the Lord it is overwhelming and scary. The Lord has been showing how prideful, self-sufficient, and incapable I am of loving him as well as others. My current state proves that I am more dependent on myself than on my heavenly Father. I am in desperate need of a Savior; My body longs to be rescued from self-sufficiency and pride, and the Lord is doing exactly that. I have to asks others for help which I hate and I am forced to be relational in an apartment with three other girls. The sinful thing to do would be to isolate myself but I am called as a believer to be Christ-centered and others' centered. My yearning to be comforted by the Lord is like that of David in Psalm 63 when he was running from his enemies:

Psalm 63
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

I am at a place in my life where God is showing me the necessity of total dependence on him. I can no longer depend on my own strength or works because it is only by God's grace that I am saved. If my salvation depended on my works, I would burn up in flames right now as I am typing. My heart is so sickened by sin that I need the love, grace, and forgiveness of a Savior. My life depends on it, and I desperately long for his touch. I praise my heavenly Father for where he has placed me; it is only by his grace that I am currently a student at Philadelphia Biblical University. The Lord is really funny because he has me in a place where my my spiritual growth is more important to my professors than my academic success. Philadelphia Biblical University is a school founded on biblical principles, and their aim is to glorify God in all aspects of life. I am going to meet with a biblical counselor every Monday at 2 p.m. to share my heart and to get the biblical counseling I need. Yes, God is preparing me to be a christian counselor; however, he is tearing me apart and putting me back together so that he is ultimately glorified and not Chaquana.

My earnest prayer as a believer is to be totally dependent on God and to trust him with all of my heart. The Lord showed me very clearly that I don't trust him. I am like a double-minded man unstable in all of my ways because I tend to doubt the Lord when I know he is leading me to a specific area or task (James 1:6). I can't live like this any longer; I want to be a woman that trust the Lord with every ounce of her being, but I also know that faith is cultivated. I am fighting to trust the Lord and to love my God and my neighbor like he calls me to love. That is why I need to be totally dependent on Jesus. At this time in my life, I am devoting myself to more prayer and devotion. I want the Lord to perform surgery on his child; I am so sick of myself and I want Godly character more than I want a Master's degree. I am so excited and grateful that he is making me more like him. I thank God that I am dearly loved by him. Be in prayer saints as I yield to my King.

Transition Phase!

Ughhhhhhhh!!!! Life, life, life! So by God's grace, I am now a graduate student at Philadelphia Biblical University. God is so good to me because he has given me the desire of my heart which was his desire for my life. I am on a mission for the Lord to pursue a degree in Biblical Counseling to serve his people in a lost and dying world. Graduate Orientation is September 2nd and I am so excited!!!!! On the flip side people, I am struggling! I am currently staying with my father, and I am ready to go! My father is a Muslim, and I am constantly talked to in a harsh or demeaning way. I have some money saved up; however, it is not enough to pay rent consistently. I am trusting the Lord for a job, and I have been applying to jobs like crazy. I was told by a sister in Christ to take out some loans and don't work. She also says that God wants me to relax. That sounds really good, but I need some type of income. I am moving out of my father's house very soon because I am trusting the Lord to provide a place and a roommate. I am praying and trusting God that he will lead and direct me because I need some love and encouragement from the Saints. I praise God that I go to a Christian school because I am certain that I will find some believers to encourage me and labor alongside. I recently visited Enon Tabernacle Baptist Church and next Sunday I am going to Epiphany Fellowship. I am trusting the Lord to find a solid church I can serve in as well. I say all of this to say: Please pray for me Saints in regards to a job, where to live, and the encouragement and love I need from believers. Thank you so much!!

Lady in Waiting!!!!!!!!

Whooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! It is so hard to wait on the Lord but he is definitely helping me to hold tight to his word and promises. I recently had a group interview at Philadelphia Biblical University for the Christian counseling Master's Program. I was nervous going into it but the Lord strengthened me through his word and Holy Spirit. The day of the interview I read Psalm 62 along with John 15. Psalm 62 talks about finding rest in God and looking to him as your hope and your salvation. David tells his soul to rest in the heavenly Father and tells the people to trust in God at all times and pout out their hearts to him. I was so encouraged. I am called to be anxious about nothing but to present my request to God and he will give me the peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 2:6-7). I have to rest in God and be confident that whatever he has for me is good and perfect. My dream amd desire is to be in Philly in graduate school preparing to serve the kingdom of God through counseling in an urban context, Why wouldn't God allow me to do that? Is that my own desire or is that a desire he has given me? Waiting for my acceptance or rejection letter is scary but I am confident that Philly and graduate school is where he wants me. Pray for me Saints because I am in the process of deciding exactly where to live,and I am in desperate need of a job. Until then, I will be waiting and resting in the Father.

Me and Brittany!!!!!!!!!

I met Brittany Freeman this summer working as an intern for Common Ground Montgomery, and she is absolutely amazing. She and I grew to know each other deeply and she is now one of my closest friends. The Lord brought us together by the power of his Holy Spirit, and her skin color is not like mine. Growing up as an unbeliever, I never imagined being close friends with a white girl. Now as a believer, I see people created in the image of God that happen to be different from me. I used to believe that I was inferior to white people because I was black, but in Christ we are all new creatures. There is neither Jew nor Greek nor male or female with Jesus. We are apart of one body made up of many members. I praise God for racial reconciliation!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Covenant Eyes by Trip Lee

Chorus: Look at dat, what you lookin at
Oooo she lookin good nah man I aint lookin back
Im watchin what I'm watchin, and yea this thang hard
But I'm watchin what I'm watchin we gotta be on guard
Look at dat, what you lookin at
Oooo she lookin good nah man I aint lookin back
Im watchin what I'm watchin, and yea this thang hard
But I'm watchin what I'm watchin we gotta be on guard

Last Verse: With every single glance man my sin tries to kill me
So I ain't givin in all my brothers gotta feel me
I'm free from my slavery you know that aint the real me
I belong to my God and I can't let no lust steal me
There's nothing I can gain the sister shouldn't move me
Cause my God is holy the epitome of beauty
Bought me with a price and I'm prayin He would rule me
My eyes belong to Him He's my King and Lord truly
As men who trust Jesus, we can't be cool wit all dat
So when my eyes start to trip, I tell em boys to fall back
So if you see me look away don't be surprised
Since I'm in love with my God, I got some covenant eyes

A covenant is a solemn promise to engage in or refrain from a specified action.
To make a covenant with your eyes is to not look upon a man or a woman lustfully or to watch something that will cause you to fall into sin. In other words, you make a promise to refrain from an action that will cause you to sin. For example, not looking back at an attractive woman or not watching kissing or sex scenes in a movie.

When I heard this song for the very first time, I was convicted and blown away. I understand for the first time in my christian walk (I have been a believer for 3 years) what it means to make a covenant with your eyes. As a woman, I am not as visual as a man, but my mind can go to places it should not go. I can have an affair with a dude in my mind without him ever knowing it (yes, woman fantasize). I have lusted after dudes in my heart and took an extra look when I should have turned my head. God's standard for purity is so high that we have to be on guard as Trip Lee says in his song.

Matthew 5:27-30
²⁷"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'^e]">[e] ²⁸But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. ³⁰And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
³It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; ⁴that each of you should learn to control his own body^a]">[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, ⁵not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God;

1 Corinthians 6:18-20
¹⁸Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. ¹⁹Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

The media, magazines, and the culture promotes and encourages sexual immorality. Women wear clothes that cause men (christian and non-christian) to lust. Men have to walk with their heads down or close their eyes in order to stay pure. It is hard out here for both Christian men and women because the culture is anti-God. For those of us who are regenerated, we must fight to stay pure. For the ladies, we must turn our heads and not make up affairs in our hearts with different men. We must wait patiently on our heavenly Father to send a Godly man into our lives in his perfect timely. Some of us may never get married, and we have to be okay with that because Christ is ultimately all satisfying. Brothers, oh how I pray for you guys!!!!! Flesh is everywhere and women flaunt it so openly! Men, keep your eyes on our heavenly father and don't flirt with sin. My brothers and sisters, let's fight and make war against sin. Christian marriages are ending in divorce because of infidelity and women are wearing immodest clothes in the house of God. My prayer is that we would truly live in a way that is counter-cultural. People of God: Let's live as the bible calls us to live!!!!!! Yes, temptation is everywhere but the bible says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it". You do not have to give into temptation; however, if you do fall, we can approach the throne of grace with confidence knowing that our God is faithful and just to forgive us (Hebrews 4:14-16; 1 John 1:9).
LET'S MAKE A COVENANT WITH OUR EYES!!!!!!!!

Looking foward to what God has in store!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited to see what God has brewing once I leave Montgomery, Alabama!! I am headed to Philadelphia Biblical University to pursue a degree in Christian Counseling. The Lord has called me to the ministry, and my heart is in the hood. The Lord began to reveal to me what he had for me to do. I begin to be burdened for the urban community and those that were lowly and abused physically, sexually,and emotionally. My heart would ache and go out to the hood because I know what goes done in rough places. The place I ran from is the type of place my heart yearns to be (pretty ironic)! I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and lost in the world. I know what it feels like to hate life and even your own life. Many people in improvished communities are suffering internally, crying out for help. If I don't go to the hood; my heart won't rest, and I will miss out on seeing God work in dynamic ways. I see God in a way I have never seen him before when I am going through trials and working with inner city youth. I grew to understand God's grace through little girls on the Westside of Washington Park in Montgomery, Alabama. Those kids lived in an urban setting where they were familiar with hurt and pain. I want to enter into the suffering of others and watch the Lord work.

Why Philly?
I feel in love with the city of Philadelphia when I was in high school. I told myself that I was going to come back to live in Philly and that is where I am headed!!!! Yay!!!! I believe that the Lord is calling me to Philly because there is a need for strong believers on the eastcoast. The eastcoast is a lot different from southern culture. I have been in the bible belt for four years and now it is time to go back to my home front. Philly is about sixty-five percent Muslim and is pretty dangerous. To profess Christ on the eastcoast is bold and courageous. I want to be uncomfortable and sacrifice my time and life for the sake of the Gospel. I have a strong desire to move into an urban community in Philadelphia and work with abuse victims and drug addicts. Prayerfully (in Jesus name), I will get married and my husband and I will serve God in the urban community. Right now, I am praying for a place to live and a church to serve in. I am also praying for the funding to attend school for free. I am stepping into the unknown because I don't know what Philly will encompass but I have to trust the Lord.

Justice and Mercy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matthew 23:23

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the things.

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?

Psalm 89:14

Rigtheousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; Lovingkindness and truth go before You.

If God is a just and loving God and has a heart for the poor, oppressed, and widow, why does the church seem to turn the other cheek? Why do we seem to be so focused on our relationship with God when our neighbor is hurting and injustices are flooded our communities. Why do we walk by on the other side when we see a human being created in God's image hurting and crying out for help? Why? Why? Why?

As I am sitting in a bible study and hearing God's heart for injustices and oppression, my heart is aching. As I look around the world, I see racial division, inferior educational systems in poor areas, police corruption, violence, divisions in churches, and hurting, bitter people. As Christians, what are we doing? Martin Luther King Jr., an advocate for Civil Rights, spoke up for the rights of black people. He gave up his life and risked the life of his family to see whites and blacks join together. His letter from a Birmingham jail was a plea and a declaration for his stance on justice in America. The white clergy men in the church wanted Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to stop his nonviolent protesting and speeches on justice and equality. He did not stop fighting and died for the we should stand up and never stop fighting for the injustices in the world.Some whites were on Dr. King's side while many were against what he was doing. God's hates evil and when people are treated unfairly. If a person is treated unfair and taken advantage of, what is our response?

What is God up to this summer? (Continuation)

A BROKEN VESSEL by Linda Stevenson

You may break this earthen vessel
And set all the contents free;
Lord, do whatever you must do
Just to bless someone through me.

I will not gain if I stay whole
And just passively exist,
If selfish gain my whole contain,
That's of all my life consists.

I would rather, Lord, be shattered,
Crushed and spilled out just for Thee,
If others will find your healing
And encouragement through me.

Don't spare me pain to live in vain,
Miss the opportunity
To lift someone who has fallen,
Lord, A soul in need of Thee.

Now, You've made this earthen vessel;
I relinquish it to Thee.
Release the healing fragrance, Lord;
Bless a hurting soul through me.

The Lord has me in a place of brokenness this summer; Man, it hurts but I praise God for the struggles because through the struggles I see my need for him. I was an intern for Common Ground Montgomery last summer and I am also an intern this summer. Common Ground Montgomery is a non-profit ministry located on the Westside of Montgomery. Their aim and goal is to see children as well as their families transformed by the power of the Gospel. They are passionate about racial reconciliation and seeing healing and transformation in the urban community. They started an internship for college students to assists them in their efforts to love and preach the Good News to hurting children. This is the second year that Common Ground has hired and used college students to impact the lives of these children. I absolutely LOVE Common Ground!!!! Through their ministry, the Lord has used the precious lives of young girls and boys to draw me closer to him. I have a better understanding for God's love and grace because of them. We are reading a book entitled "Divided by Faith" which stresses the need for racial reconciliation and how we as Christians contribute to the division between whites and blacks in the Church. Last summer as an intern, I lead the bible study teaching for the younger girls (6-8) along with a small group. This summer I am not a leader and I am assisting another intern with a small group. There is a reason for that. My walk with the Lord has been works based rather than relying on God's grace and believing that through his blood I am righteous in his eyesight. I have been trying to prove to God that I am worthy through my Christian duties and Pharisee lifestyle that I missed out on true intimacy with my King. I am broken because I can no longer depend on my own efforts to make me righteous but I must rest in God's grace. It is by grace that I have been saved and works will not get me into heaven. The Lord is also forcing me to deal with past abuse that I have not dealt with. When you think you are over something, God has a funny way of bringing things back up!!!!! I am learning about the purpose of suffering and trials along with God's heart for the poor, oppressed, and widow. I am hurting because I am seeing so much sin, but I trust him so much more then I have in the past. The Lord has me where he wants me and I am fine with that. Sometimes I wish he would stop crushing me, however; I want the Lord to do whatever he must do to bless someone through me.

Lost by Da Truth featuring Tia Pitmann

I absolutely love this song!!!!!!!!! This is one of my favorite Christian Hip Hop songs.

The chorus:

Where would I be if he hadn't died for me and if he never gave his life for me; I would be lost, you would be lost, we would be lost, this world would be so lost. What if there was no remission of sins, you got what you deserved, what would you do then.

This song means so much to me because Jesus Christ who was God in the flesh did not have go to cross for me, but he did. He who knew no sin became sin for me (2 Corinthians 5:21). Without the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I would be lost in a crooked and perverted world. My life would be meaningless, and I would be comfortable in sin as well as a slave to sin. My life has so much more meaning now because I know the Lord. I know the creator of the universe, and I am now declared righteous in his eye sight. He is the reason for my very existence because through him all things were made (Colossians 1:16). I have seen and tasted that the Lord is good! His brings joy to my heart and tears to my eyes to know that the God of the universe loves me and gave up his life for me; I am truly thankful!!! He loves me!! Oh, how he loves me!!!!

Before I became a believer, my heart yearned for his love.

I was born in Bronx, New York to a woman addicted to crack. My sister, who is eleven months older than me, was also a crack baby. I left the Bronx at the age of four because I burned down my grandmother's apartment (I was playing with matches). We moved to New Orleans, Louisiana to start a new life. As a little girl, I was oblivious to my mother's drug addiction, but I knew I loved her and desired for her to be apart of my life. She would come back and forth to New Orleans to visit and even stayed with myself, my grandmother, and my three other siblings for a long period of time. I am the youngest of four on my mother's side; she has two girls and two boys. She never really knew how to be a mother, but my young heart loved her anyway. My mother would hit us a lot, and I don't remember receiving much affection from her. However, my grandmother affirmed me and allowed me to cuddle with her in bed. I loved every moment of it!!!!!! I left New York with my sister (Nikki) at the age of thirteen; Nikki was fourteen. I was so excited to live with my mother and be apart of her life that I couldn't wait to leave New Orleans. My mother showed her true colors rather quickly, and her crack addiction was out. She stole our money that our grandmother would send us; she paraded us around men, we were hungry at times because she was not responsible, and she beat us. We were taken away from her and given to our father. Although he did not touch us physically, he verbally abused us. I remember being called stupid repeatedly and being told I would never amount to anything. I was treated so harshly by my father that I hated men. My self-esteem was low because my family circumstances sucked. My father was Muslim, so I tried the Muslim religion but it was all rituals. I gave my body very easily to guys because I wanted to be loved and I was convinced that my body was all I was worth. The first time I was intimate with a guy, I told myself that this is the only guy i will ever have sex with. I HATED myself and I wanted relief. I moved with my Uncle who was also a harsh man. I attempted hurting myself but I was too scared to actually go through with it. My escape from my miserable life was college after high school graduation. I craved love and affection from people because I was deprived of it as a young girl. I wanted to be loved and affirmed by both my mother and father, but they gave me the total opposite. Now that i am a believer, I understand that God made human beings with a God sized void that only he can fill. I wanted total acceptance and love from human beings but what I was looking for, only God could give. Ephesians 2:8-9 states, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast". God shows me undeserved favor. I deserve eternal separation from a holy and righteous God, yet he has great love for a sinner like me. His grace is truly sufficient and his mercy endures forever. He died for me while I was still died in sin (Romans 5:8)!!!!! Man, that is true love!!!! God's very nature is love, and he freely lavishes his love on all of his creation. He is light and in him is no darkness. Nothing I do can make me more valuable or worthy in the sight of God, I am worthy because of the blood of Jesus Christ. My savior loves me and I am honored to be called a child of the King!!!!!!! My heart has found what I was looking for!!!

How I came to know the Lord!

I have been a believer for 3 years now, and the Lord has showed me so much of himself along with my sin, yet his love and his grace abounds. I came to know the Lord in Atlanta, Georgia at a summer project entitled "The Atlanta Training Project". It was there that I heard for the very first time in my life that my identity was only found in Christ. I heard the bridge diagram and understood that man was separated from God because of his sin and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ was sufficient to allow man to have a loving and intimate relationship with God the Father. It was June 2, 2007, when I decided that life without christ was meaningless and I surrendered my life over to him. I remember praying with a friend and sister in Christ in a parked car in Piedmount Park with tears running down my face. I told the Lord I needed him, and I could not live this life without him. He did exactly what I had asked and my life has never been the same. I literally felt like a burden was lifted of my shoulders. The Lord embraced me that day and it felt soooooooo good. The peace of God consumed me and I became a new creation in Christ. I owe a special thanks to Campus Outreach in Montgomery which no longer exists for my coming to know the Lord and my spiritual growth. They taught me how to study the Word of God, share my faith, pray, memorize scripture, and live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. Shout out to Alonzo Brown, Byron Johnson, Paul Rogers, Caleb Galloway, and the other men and women of god who invested in me. I am forever thankful!!!!