Before I became a believer, my heart yearned for his love.

I was born in Bronx, New York to a woman addicted to crack. My sister, who is eleven months older than me, was also a crack baby. I left the Bronx at the age of four because I burned down my grandmother's apartment (I was playing with matches). We moved to New Orleans, Louisiana to start a new life. As a little girl, I was oblivious to my mother's drug addiction, but I knew I loved her and desired for her to be apart of my life. She would come back and forth to New Orleans to visit and even stayed with myself, my grandmother, and my three other siblings for a long period of time. I am the youngest of four on my mother's side; she has two girls and two boys. She never really knew how to be a mother, but my young heart loved her anyway. My mother would hit us a lot, and I don't remember receiving much affection from her. However, my grandmother affirmed me and allowed me to cuddle with her in bed. I loved every moment of it!!!!!! I left New York with my sister (Nikki) at the age of thirteen; Nikki was fourteen. I was so excited to live with my mother and be apart of her life that I couldn't wait to leave New Orleans. My mother showed her true colors rather quickly, and her crack addiction was out. She stole our money that our grandmother would send us; she paraded us around men, we were hungry at times because she was not responsible, and she beat us. We were taken away from her and given to our father. Although he did not touch us physically, he verbally abused us. I remember being called stupid repeatedly and being told I would never amount to anything. I was treated so harshly by my father that I hated men. My self-esteem was low because my family circumstances sucked. My father was Muslim, so I tried the Muslim religion but it was all rituals. I gave my body very easily to guys because I wanted to be loved and I was convinced that my body was all I was worth. The first time I was intimate with a guy, I told myself that this is the only guy i will ever have sex with. I HATED myself and I wanted relief. I moved with my Uncle who was also a harsh man. I attempted hurting myself but I was too scared to actually go through with it. My escape from my miserable life was college after high school graduation. I craved love and affection from people because I was deprived of it as a young girl. I wanted to be loved and affirmed by both my mother and father, but they gave me the total opposite. Now that i am a believer, I understand that God made human beings with a God sized void that only he can fill. I wanted total acceptance and love from human beings but what I was looking for, only God could give. Ephesians 2:8-9 states, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast". God shows me undeserved favor. I deserve eternal separation from a holy and righteous God, yet he has great love for a sinner like me. His grace is truly sufficient and his mercy endures forever. He died for me while I was still died in sin (Romans 5:8)!!!!! Man, that is true love!!!! God's very nature is love, and he freely lavishes his love on all of his creation. He is light and in him is no darkness. Nothing I do can make me more valuable or worthy in the sight of God, I am worthy because of the blood of Jesus Christ. My savior loves me and I am honored to be called a child of the King!!!!!!! My heart has found what I was looking for!!!