He is at work!!!!!

Man, desperation is the word that describes my condition right now! I am so thirsty for the Lord it is overwhelming and scary. The Lord has been showing how prideful, self-sufficient, and incapable I am of loving him as well as others. My current state proves that I am more dependent on myself than on my heavenly Father. I am in desperate need of a Savior; My body longs to be rescued from self-sufficiency and pride, and the Lord is doing exactly that. I have to asks others for help which I hate and I am forced to be relational in an apartment with three other girls. The sinful thing to do would be to isolate myself but I am called as a believer to be Christ-centered and others' centered. My yearning to be comforted by the Lord is like that of David in Psalm 63 when he was running from his enemies:

Psalm 63
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

I am at a place in my life where God is showing me the necessity of total dependence on him. I can no longer depend on my own strength or works because it is only by God's grace that I am saved. If my salvation depended on my works, I would burn up in flames right now as I am typing. My heart is so sickened by sin that I need the love, grace, and forgiveness of a Savior. My life depends on it, and I desperately long for his touch. I praise my heavenly Father for where he has placed me; it is only by his grace that I am currently a student at Philadelphia Biblical University. The Lord is really funny because he has me in a place where my my spiritual growth is more important to my professors than my academic success. Philadelphia Biblical University is a school founded on biblical principles, and their aim is to glorify God in all aspects of life. I am going to meet with a biblical counselor every Monday at 2 p.m. to share my heart and to get the biblical counseling I need. Yes, God is preparing me to be a christian counselor; however, he is tearing me apart and putting me back together so that he is ultimately glorified and not Chaquana.

My earnest prayer as a believer is to be totally dependent on God and to trust him with all of my heart. The Lord showed me very clearly that I don't trust him. I am like a double-minded man unstable in all of my ways because I tend to doubt the Lord when I know he is leading me to a specific area or task (James 1:6). I can't live like this any longer; I want to be a woman that trust the Lord with every ounce of her being, but I also know that faith is cultivated. I am fighting to trust the Lord and to love my God and my neighbor like he calls me to love. That is why I need to be totally dependent on Jesus. At this time in my life, I am devoting myself to more prayer and devotion. I want the Lord to perform surgery on his child; I am so sick of myself and I want Godly character more than I want a Master's degree. I am so excited and grateful that he is making me more like him. I thank God that I am dearly loved by him. Be in prayer saints as I yield to my King.