Freedom in Christ

Galatians 5:1
Christ has liberated us into freedom. Therefore stand firm and don't submit again to a yoke of slavery.

John 8:36
Therefore if the Son sets you free, you really will be free.

Psalm 121:1-2
I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

FREEDOM!
What does it mean to be free?

The Lord has been so gracious and loving towards me through the trials he has given me in this season of my life. I see how loving he truly is because of his desire to free me to love him without restraints and to love my neighbor as myself. I have been controlling how close I let people get to me and it has made me miserable. I realize how I fail to love others in order to protect myself from hurt and pain. I show people a side of myself that I want them to see, yet parts of myself I keep hidden. The root of it is: I yearn to be loved, accepted, and approved of no matter how sinful I really am. The funny thing about that is: My Lord loves me just as I am; however, my heart is fighting to embrace what my mind already knows. Everyday I wake up, I literally have to ask the Lord to help me make it through another day. The pain, frustration, and emotional turmoil I carry inside of me is simply to much to bear, and I need him to carry it for me. Continue to lift me up Saints as I run to the throne of grace. My heart is crying and yearning to be free.

Dearly Loved by My King

For the first time in my life, I am fully embracing the love and grace of God. The very thought of being an object of God's affection brings me to my knees in worship. It is true; he really loves me despite my sinfulness. Recently, God has been showing my lack of dependence on his grace and my desire to justify my sin through works. When I work for God's favor and love, I only nullify the grace of God. Jesus Christ died for my sins so that I may be free to sin and alive to him. When I act as if I am good enough or my so called righteous deeds earn favor with God, I am depending on my own strength rather than on his holy spirit. I am coming to grips with how sinful I truly am and how much more I need to depend on my Savior. He longs for me to be intimate with him and embrace his love, and my heart yearns for it as well.

I am reminded that I was made with a void that only he can fill, and my heart and body thirsts for him as the deer pants for water:

Psalm 42

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

My heart and soul thirsts for the living God because he created me to be intimate and relational with him. Dependence on Jesus is what he requires and what we so desperately need to survive in a fallen world. I need him more and more each day because without him I am nothing and can do nothing. Remaining in him is mandatory in order to bear fruit and live righteously(John 15).

Since I have been at Philadelphia Biblical University, my heart has been aching and craving to be with Jesus. While at home in New York, I prayed and read my word out of duty and obligation rather than to simply sit in the presence of God. As a result, my time with the Lord lacked intimacy and I could feel my heart slowly drifting away from him. Intimacy, intimacy is so key! I was hit with the reality that a close, personal relationship with God is necessary in order to grow spiritually and to know him on a deeper level. Instead of reading and studying to acquire biblical knowledge, I find myself begging the holy spirit to help my heart believe, grasp, and apply his word. When I wake up in the morning, my Savior is on my mind and throughout the day I am calling out to him. I am slowly but surely becoming more intimate with my King and it feels so good. No longer can I use head knowledge and works to get close to my king;instead, I must rely and depend on him to reveal and show me who he is and what he requires of me. As an object of his affection, he wants all of me and I am going to give him just that. Oh how he loves me!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is at work!!!!!

Man, desperation is the word that describes my condition right now! I am so thirsty for the Lord it is overwhelming and scary. The Lord has been showing how prideful, self-sufficient, and incapable I am of loving him as well as others. My current state proves that I am more dependent on myself than on my heavenly Father. I am in desperate need of a Savior; My body longs to be rescued from self-sufficiency and pride, and the Lord is doing exactly that. I have to asks others for help which I hate and I am forced to be relational in an apartment with three other girls. The sinful thing to do would be to isolate myself but I am called as a believer to be Christ-centered and others' centered. My yearning to be comforted by the Lord is like that of David in Psalm 63 when he was running from his enemies:

Psalm 63
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.

8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

I am at a place in my life where God is showing me the necessity of total dependence on him. I can no longer depend on my own strength or works because it is only by God's grace that I am saved. If my salvation depended on my works, I would burn up in flames right now as I am typing. My heart is so sickened by sin that I need the love, grace, and forgiveness of a Savior. My life depends on it, and I desperately long for his touch. I praise my heavenly Father for where he has placed me; it is only by his grace that I am currently a student at Philadelphia Biblical University. The Lord is really funny because he has me in a place where my my spiritual growth is more important to my professors than my academic success. Philadelphia Biblical University is a school founded on biblical principles, and their aim is to glorify God in all aspects of life. I am going to meet with a biblical counselor every Monday at 2 p.m. to share my heart and to get the biblical counseling I need. Yes, God is preparing me to be a christian counselor; however, he is tearing me apart and putting me back together so that he is ultimately glorified and not Chaquana.

My earnest prayer as a believer is to be totally dependent on God and to trust him with all of my heart. The Lord showed me very clearly that I don't trust him. I am like a double-minded man unstable in all of my ways because I tend to doubt the Lord when I know he is leading me to a specific area or task (James 1:6). I can't live like this any longer; I want to be a woman that trust the Lord with every ounce of her being, but I also know that faith is cultivated. I am fighting to trust the Lord and to love my God and my neighbor like he calls me to love. That is why I need to be totally dependent on Jesus. At this time in my life, I am devoting myself to more prayer and devotion. I want the Lord to perform surgery on his child; I am so sick of myself and I want Godly character more than I want a Master's degree. I am so excited and grateful that he is making me more like him. I thank God that I am dearly loved by him. Be in prayer saints as I yield to my King.