Fighting Lonliness

This title may surprise you, but I must be honest, there are times that I feel extremely alone. In a house with four Christian women and attending a biblical university, you would think I had a great community around me, but I don't. I do not blame my roommates or the students at my school because I am at fault. I am at fault because I run and fear intimacy with others, yet I long for it at the same time. I do a great job at pursuing others and being there for them, but as a result, not many are there for me. There are times when I wish someone could see my pain, but I am viewed as a person who is just fine. It hurts so bad to share this because I pride myself on "having it all together" which is a facade to hide the pain and lonliness. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and stay there or cut my wrist to dull the pain; however, I will fight from the victory Christ has given me.

I know and believe that Christ is the only one who can ultimately satisfy our hungry souls; nonetheless, he made us for community. When someone does pursue me, there are times when I share, but in the back of my mind, I am saying to myself, "I don't want to be a burden, so I am not going to share". It is a foreign concept for me not to care or be there for others, but when someone wants to return the favor, I don't know how to respond. I want to be loved by others, but I fear their rejection. I recently told my lab instructor, "I know God loves me, but I don't know if he accepts me". Sadly, because I struggle with self-contempt and believe that I am unacceptable and deficient as a person, I cower away from people because I don't believe they will accept me either. As a result, I have frienships that are more of them sharing than me. I hate where I am, but through this difficult season in my life, God is pointing me to him.

My heavenly father is showing me how much I want to be "God" and rely on self; nevertheless, I cannot do what only He can do. My loneliness causes me to cry out to God in agony. My prayer is that I will believe and rest in the promises of my Savior. With him, I am never alone because he is always there. The more people fail me, the more I see how sufficient God truly is. He is enough for sure, but it will be nice to have real community. I need God's help desperately, and I will use the full armor of God to fight against the enemy's schemes. He wants me to wallow in my loneliness and pain and focus less and less on God. God is all that I need, and I will continue to put my hope and trust in him. While I know this statement is true, I need to find a balance. God made us for community,and I pray that he will lead me to just that while I am here in Pennslyvania.

Embracing the Natural Me Pics!

Embracing the Natural Me...

I am natural for the second time around, and I am super excited! The first time I went natural, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I didn't do any research about natural hair and remained ignorant. I remember looking at women on youtube do the "big chop", and that's all the research I did. When I cut my hair the first time, I was scared, but I wanted to do it. To my surprise, it actually looked good. My last perm was in May 2009, and I cut my hair in August or September 2009. My hair grew extremely fast and lovely, but I didn't believe I was beautiful or attractive rocking natural hair. I was told on multiple occassions my hair was pretty, but I didn't believe it. I didn't love what God gave me. Then after a year and a couple of months of being natural, I went back to a perm. I gave into pressure!!!

I went to home during my first semester in grad school to have my mother straigthen my hair, and my sister ranted about how unhealthy my hair looked. I remember her saying "You look so much better with a perm". I wanted to be attractive in the eyes of others, and I believed straight hair made me more attractive. Sadly, I thought I was less attractive because I got more attention from men when I had a perm. My sinful nature is disgusting! I loved the perm, but I always thought about my natural hair. I remember calling my friend up and saying "I am thinking about going back to being natural". Going to Alabama and seeing my natural sisters embrace their natural hair and love it, encouraged me to do the big chop again in June 2011! My last perm was in April, so I transitioned for two months. I absolutely love my hair, and I have been doing research like crazy! I have no desire to go back to a perm, but I am anxious for my hair to grow back. I watched a youtube video today by a lady named Sunshine, and she talked about confidence and natural hair. It was convicting and inspiring because it helped me to see how being natural is more than just your hair. It's about loving and embracing who you are.

As a woman of God, I often do not love and embrace who God created me to be. If only I was smaller, cuter, funnier, more intelligent, and so forth on. My mind plays tricks on me, and the lies of SATAN often consume me. It is during those times, I must embrace the truth and remind myself of who I am in Christ. I am beautiful inside and out, but most importantly my beauty comes from being a child of the most high King. I want to be natural because God made me this way. He did not make a mistake when he made me, so why should I alter my appearance. I am beautiful no matter what the world says, and I am going to embrace that. If a man can't love and accept my natural hair, then he is not the man for me. My beauty is my godliness, and I don't have to flaunt it because it's obvious (Lecrae). I am embracing me because that is who God created me to be.

Naturally,
Chaquana

Understanding HIM more and more...

For the past week or so, I have been reading through the Old Testament. In the past, I have read Genesis, Exodus, the majority of Leviticus, Song of Songs, Ecclesiastes, Proverbs, and segments of other Old Testament passages. Currently, I have read Haggai and Nahum, and I just finished Zephaniah today. I must say that I am utterly amazed! God's love and commitment to the people of Israel is mind boggling!

Here's a little OT history:

The Israelites were in captivity in Babylon for 70 years because of their lack of commitment to the one true God. Israel had many kings; some were good and loved Yaweh while others were bad and corrupted the people of God. During the reign of many of the kings, Israel's heart was lead away to false gods. King Solomon was the first of Israel's King to introduce them to false goods. Solomon's heart was led away from the Lord because of his many foreign wives (1 Kings 11:1-4) which caused him to worship false gods.

In the same way, Israel's heart was led away by their constant disobedience and failure to worship the one true God. In the book of Zephaniah, the prophet Zephaniah paints a picture of "the Day of the Lord" which is God's judgment on the whole earth including Judah and Jerusalem and gives an even clearer picture of God restoring the people of Israel and judging their enemies.

Judah and Jerusalem Judged Along With the Nations

Judah Summoned to Repent
1 Gather together, gather yourselves together,
you shameful nation,
2 before the decree takes effect
and that day passes like windblown chaff,
before the LORD’s fierce anger
comes upon you,
before the day of the LORD’s wrath
comes upon you.
3 Seek the LORD, all you humble of the land,
you who do what he commands.
Seek righteousness, seek humility;
perhaps you will be sheltered
on the day of the LORD’s anger.

Although God is angry with the people of Israel (Jerusalem is the capital of Israel and Judah holds a remnant of the people of Israel; there was a split in the Kingdom of Israel which resulted in a northern and southern kingdom with Judah being the southern kingdom), he is willing to restore them because of his lovingkindness and overwhelming grace. In the third chapter of Zephaniah, God does indeed promise to restore his people and deal with their enemies:

14 Sing, Daughter Zion;
shout aloud, Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart,
Daughter Jerusalem!
15 The LORD has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
16 On that day
they will say to Jerusalem,
“Do not fear, Zion;
do not let your hands hang limp.
17 The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
18 “I will remove from you
all who mourn over the loss of your appointed festivals,
which is a burden and reproach for you.
19 At that time I will deal
with all who oppressed you.
I will rescue the lame;
I will gather the exiles.
I will give them praise and honor
in every land where they have suffered shame.

Wow! Even though the people of Israel are sinful, he promises to restore them. This is so amazing because it demonstrates God's compassion and love for his people. God is so committed to the people of Israel that he extends his hand of grace to them despite their sinfulness. Likewise, he does the same for us. We should rejoice in the truth that we have a Savior who is committed to us and will love us despite our failures. What a God! I am so excited, honored, and privledged to belong to the God of the universe. He will never leave me or fail me bacause he is fully committed to me. I am so grateful and blown away! Thank you heavenly Father!

Just Like You

Chorus: I just wanna be like you, walk like, talk like, even think like you, the only one I could look to, you're teaching me to be just like you, well I just gotta be like you, I just gotta be like you.

I absolutely love this song! Lecrae gives a clear picture of the negative male influences in his life when his father wasn't around and how so many men deal with the same issue. So many young boys in the inner city grow up without a father and look up to other men in their lives who are negative influences. As a young man without a father figure, you derive what a man is from other manly figures in your life. However, Jesus Christ is a figure that we can and should look up to because he was the greatest man to ever live, and he continues to reign as King. Lecrae watched the lifestyles of his uncles and desired to be just like them. Now, as a believer, he understands that true biblical manhood is submitting to God and following him. He wants to be just like his heavenly father in every way.

In the same light, I desire to be just like my heavenly father. I was listening to a clip from Voddie Baucham, and he stated that true biblical womanhood is to be like Christ. While I am well aware of how we are to live as Christians, this statement was so simple, yet profoundly true. To be a real woman is to be like Christ. Lately, my prayers have been centered around honoring God in my thoughts and actions and being more like him. I ask God to cleanse and purify my heart all the time because I desire to reflect him in the world and to look just like him. My desire is to be fully satisfied in him and continually pressing toward the mark. This is my prayer for all Christians across the globe: That we would desire to look more like our Savior.

Struggles this summer/Quiet time

Being an intern again for the third time at Common Ground has been quite challenging this summer. The Lord is showing me how prideful and self-righteous I really am. it has been so difficult to allow people to see me mess up. in other words, I hide and conceal my sin because I am terrified of being rejected and abandoned by the people I love dearly. The root of it is: I do not believe that people can love me for who I really am: sinful, wicked, and ugly. Although i HAVE BEEN transformed and made new in christ, I am still a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.I hate making mistakes, and I want to be perfect so people can love me, but no one is perfect! I am praying through these issues and asking God to help me to find my identity in him. I know without a doubt that God loves me in accepts me for who I am, but I don't believe believers are capable of doing that. Pray for me Saints as I allow God to change my heart.

Reflection on the Greyhound

As I look back over my life in the past year, I must say "He has brought me a mighty long way"! It is amazing to see how much God has changed some of my core beliefs that were developed in childhood and engrained into my psyche. Just last year, I lived for the acceptance and approval of men because that was where I placed my worth and value. I wanted people to see Chaquana and how "holy" she was because my identity was wrapped in their opinion of me. As I went to counseling, counseled myself through homework, and allowed a peer to counsel me, God showed me how much of a wreck I was and what my heart was really living for. He showed me the idols that flooded my heart and the sin that entangled me which pushed me to the throne of grace.

Through contemplating cutting and attempting to do it, suicidal thoughts, and feeling helpless and discouraged, I saw the face of God. Although I struggled tremendously, I grew closer to God and experienced him in ways I have never imagined. I am convinced now more than ever that he really loves me. He gave me the intimacy my heart longed for and to be honest, I THRIST and LONG for more. My trial was hard, but I got to know my Savior!!!!! Sometimes I fantasize about going back to those days because he was SO NEAR. I was reading Isaiah 43 today, and God reminded me that he is with me as I go through TRIALS because I am his prized possession. In the same way he was committed to Israel despite their rebellion and sin, he is with me despite my unfaithfulness. I am so happy that I serve a loving and faithful God! I pray that God will send more trials my way so that I may get another opportunity to know him. As Job said at the end of his trial, my ears have heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you. I have seen Jesus, and I want to see him even more! My prayer for you is that you will embrace trials and suffering so that you can see and know God, but most importantly, look more like him. Amen!