This title may surprise you, but I must be honest, there are times that I feel extremely alone. In a house with four Christian women and attending a biblical university, you would think I had a great community around me, but I don't. I do not blame my roommates or the students at my school because I am at fault. I am at fault because I run and fear intimacy with others, yet I long for it at the same time. I do a great job at pursuing others and being there for them, but as a result, not many are there for me. There are times when I wish someone could see my pain, but I am viewed as a person who is just fine. It hurts so bad to share this because I pride myself on "having it all together" which is a facade to hide the pain and lonliness. Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and stay there or cut my wrist to dull the pain; however, I will fight from the victory Christ has given me.
I know and believe that Christ is the only one who can ultimately satisfy our hungry souls; nonetheless, he made us for community. When someone does pursue me, there are times when I share, but in the back of my mind, I am saying to myself, "I don't want to be a burden, so I am not going to share". It is a foreign concept for me not to care or be there for others, but when someone wants to return the favor, I don't know how to respond. I want to be loved by others, but I fear their rejection. I recently told my lab instructor, "I know God loves me, but I don't know if he accepts me". Sadly, because I struggle with self-contempt and believe that I am unacceptable and deficient as a person, I cower away from people because I don't believe they will accept me either. As a result, I have frienships that are more of them sharing than me. I hate where I am, but through this difficult season in my life, God is pointing me to him.
My heavenly father is showing me how much I want to be "God" and rely on self; nevertheless, I cannot do what only He can do. My loneliness causes me to cry out to God in agony. My prayer is that I will believe and rest in the promises of my Savior. With him, I am never alone because he is always there. The more people fail me, the more I see how sufficient God truly is. He is enough for sure, but it will be nice to have real community. I need God's help desperately, and I will use the full armor of God to fight against the enemy's schemes. He wants me to wallow in my loneliness and pain and focus less and less on God. God is all that I need, and I will continue to put my hope and trust in him. While I know this statement is true, I need to find a balance. God made us for community,and I pray that he will lead me to just that while I am here in Pennslyvania.
