Struggles this summer/Quiet time

Being an intern again for the third time at Common Ground has been quite challenging this summer. The Lord is showing me how prideful and self-righteous I really am. it has been so difficult to allow people to see me mess up. in other words, I hide and conceal my sin because I am terrified of being rejected and abandoned by the people I love dearly. The root of it is: I do not believe that people can love me for who I really am: sinful, wicked, and ugly. Although i HAVE BEEN transformed and made new in christ, I am still a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.I hate making mistakes, and I want to be perfect so people can love me, but no one is perfect! I am praying through these issues and asking God to help me to find my identity in him. I know without a doubt that God loves me in accepts me for who I am, but I don't believe believers are capable of doing that. Pray for me Saints as I allow God to change my heart.

Reflection on the Greyhound

As I look back over my life in the past year, I must say "He has brought me a mighty long way"! It is amazing to see how much God has changed some of my core beliefs that were developed in childhood and engrained into my psyche. Just last year, I lived for the acceptance and approval of men because that was where I placed my worth and value. I wanted people to see Chaquana and how "holy" she was because my identity was wrapped in their opinion of me. As I went to counseling, counseled myself through homework, and allowed a peer to counsel me, God showed me how much of a wreck I was and what my heart was really living for. He showed me the idols that flooded my heart and the sin that entangled me which pushed me to the throne of grace.

Through contemplating cutting and attempting to do it, suicidal thoughts, and feeling helpless and discouraged, I saw the face of God. Although I struggled tremendously, I grew closer to God and experienced him in ways I have never imagined. I am convinced now more than ever that he really loves me. He gave me the intimacy my heart longed for and to be honest, I THRIST and LONG for more. My trial was hard, but I got to know my Savior!!!!! Sometimes I fantasize about going back to those days because he was SO NEAR. I was reading Isaiah 43 today, and God reminded me that he is with me as I go through TRIALS because I am his prized possession. In the same way he was committed to Israel despite their rebellion and sin, he is with me despite my unfaithfulness. I am so happy that I serve a loving and faithful God! I pray that God will send more trials my way so that I may get another opportunity to know him. As Job said at the end of his trial, my ears have heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you. I have seen Jesus, and I want to see him even more! My prayer for you is that you will embrace trials and suffering so that you can see and know God, but most importantly, look more like him. Amen!